(This is part 2 of Blue)
“Hi Kalyn, I read the blog. I woke up this morning saying to myself…i did not expect to be here. I’m not unhappy…i just thought my life would be different . Then i went back to my marriage…and said…well i don’t want to be there anymore either and i am certainly not unhappy today with myself.
The truth is….i was asking to break the agreement in my marriage like blue. I relate very much at becoming more of me and having the notion a better relationship agreement was more authentic communication and awareness. Looking back, he thought he was better at everything and took care if me. i was a token wife. I was wanting to expand myself and develop a true partner. It also threatened his existence. He snapped back into his workaholic mode and got even more controlling and hateful. I remember coming home from the workshop and ready to open my life up to wonderfulness, good messy and playful. He took me around the house telling me….im a control freak…..i will always be a control freak. See the weeds..i want them pulled every two weeks…see that sink…i don’t want a dish to stay in it…see my hair…i get it cut exactly every 4weeks. I watched as he got his hair down to nothing. I guess that was the defining moment the agreement was off.
No with my previous guy…it was go nowhere…not because of him so much but because of me. I couldn’t make agreements with him. I rebelled, pulled away often, i couldn’t place my finger on it but now i see. In order to be in it with him …i needed to agree i was inferior. There was more complexity to this….and in the end i just said i cant commit life long to a life of fighting about everything. I am okay and did not need a man to tell me how to run the dishwasher. He wanted to tell me how to do everything and when i did not agree..he put me down. I see now…he thinks he is superior one from childhood/family/education and i did not agree at all. His life was not that great. He functionality was poor. I had little respect for his choices he made…they never uplifted himself and kept him stuck and worse his EGO could not budge . He would shatter if he knew what he was protecting…..and i am growing and want to continue too. I want to expand…not get stuck in a fishbowl that rarely gets cleaned up.” – Daisy
“I also enjoyed the blog very much, and I have to say that looking back at relationships through that lens, I couldn’t make the agreements there in many situations. Either the agreement to be with someone who drank too much (in my opinion), to be with someone emotionally distant–who would warm up just enough to keep me interested, to be with someone who didn’t respect my “being,” and dismissed my thoughts, dreams and desires. So, it makes more sense. Now the trick is to be conscious of what agreements I want to make so that is what I attract?” – Penny
Do You Feel Blue?
I love these responses, and it is good to see that reading about Blue let’s people identify because when we identify like this then we are able to see ourselves in the situation and gain insight and awareness about us.
In that sense, ‘now the trick is to be conscious of what agreements I want to make’ is right on so the relationship you get into next, or going forward, allows you to attract a better relationship that will let you expand and will be more loving.
How To Agree With You
If you look back at your past relationships, or if you look at the problems you’ve had at work, you’ll find a pattern. You’ll find that the problem you keep running into at work or in your relationship is like a boomerang – you toss it as far away as possible and it comes back! How rude, I say, how rude of the problem – thank God trash doesn’t do this!
The problem persists, to the point where you might think that you keep dating the same person over and over no matter the person, or you think that any job has the same issues since you keep encountering these. However, it’s not the problem that persists, it’s you.
So, Star walks into a bar (she’ll be a fictional character, whose name is short for Starbucks, the mermaid). She has long, flowing, blond hair (what mermaid doesn’t, right?)– and she knows men like it. She has a slender body and wears clothes to accent herself. She smiles and men are drawn to her.
Can you get a sense of the agreements Star is putting out there? Her ‘feelers’ say that she’ll agree to talk to someone who values physical beauty. Is that good or bad? Let’s also say that Star is looking for something more meaningful, so she’s out for a coffee date, not a one-night stand. As a matter of fact, Star too (like Blue and so many others) wants someone she can have an emotional connection to, but she also wants to be valued for her intelligence.
At the bar Star meets a man. He tells her what he does career-wise and then they talk about travel and the last vacation that he took and so on.
Good or Bad? What Agreements Are Being Put In Place?
Star is like you in the sense that she knows her strengths and she knows how to get attention. Star could be your stereotypical Barbie-doll, to paint a picture that you’ll understand. Believe it or not, you are more similar to Star than you realize, perhaps not physically, but you lead with your agreements about yourself, just like she does.
Here’s the interesting part: your agreements can work for or against you, like Star’s physical appearance. The difference between agreements that serve you and those that do not has everything to do with you and how you perceive yourself.
Here’s what I mean – if Star feels that she is beautiful and can attract men easily, but they don’t value her for her intelligence, then walking into a bar the way our story tells, will set her up for exactly that! She’s putting forth an agreement that sounds something like “I’m pretty, you think so too, and I want you to think so, but then I’m going to be unhappy because you never focus on my brains (even though I’m not focusing on them either!)” In other words, Star is putting her physical attributes first, not bringing her mental attributes forward, but then she’ll be frustrated because men (or people in general) don’t value her. She likely won’t realize that people don’t value her mind because it isn’t what she’s showing people about herself. She’s actually hiding her mind, in some ways.
What Do You Show People About Yourself?
People actually look where you point, metaphorically speaking. Your words and behaviors are pointing things out about you – what have you chosen to appreciate about yourself and what do you depreciate about yourself when you are with others? Believe it or not, they hear you, understand your agreement with yourself, and then they choose to agree with you or not to – which determines the relationship you develop.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words, And Your Energy Is Even Louder
On the other hand, let’s say Star knows she’s a knock-out, but she values herself. She knows she is more than her beauty, but she can have fun walking into a bar seductively. When she talks with a guy, her self-value comes forward. She can share a conversation about his career and hers (from an angle of self-appreciation). She too can talk about travel and shares about her favorite vacation that was the result of a bonus at work.
The two examples about Star are meant to show you what agreements can look like when you are setting yourself up for them to work against you; the second example shows what it can look like when they are working for you. In the second example, Star’s agreements hold her own self-value and sound something like “I’m the full package and I’m valuable from my looks to how I live my life and my intelligence.” After all, there is nothing bad or good about being beautiful or intelligent. The real question is how do you see you, because you carry that perception of you into your agreements.
How To Agree To Something New
You can go blue in the face (like that pun?) trying to figure out the right thing to say so that your words and actions show your self-value and start agreements off on the right foot.
Hopefully you are picking up on the fact that your opinion of you is determining your agreements which determines your worlds and actions. This means that you can change your agreements – if you aren’t happy with them now – by changing how you see you.
If you aren’t seeing yourself from a higher-vibrating perspective, then you are seeing yourself through the eyes of judgement. Yes, I’m saying that when you look at you, if you don’t feel love and thinking loving things that are full of appreciation, then you are coming from judgments.
Everyone on any kind of spiritual bath begins with some basics, like non-judgement. The joke’s on us all though because our self judgements run so deep that we are blind to them. I never know what to say when I meet other coaches who are obviously judging themselves and other but telling me that they are awesome…
Judgements are rooted deep. So, the smart thing to do is not to pull the weeds, but to bring a weed-killer to our garden. Now, that didn’t sound loving, but the polarity of judgments is acceptance. Sprinkle some love on that and you start to create a recipe for joy. Your joy, which radiates wonderful experiences and, certainly, better agreements.
Techniques to Agree to
1 Stop Judgments In Their Tracks
I’ll tell you to stop judgments and the voices in your head that judge you in your tracks, but it’s like saying don’t eat anything with sugar. You wouldn’t believe how many foods have or are prepared with sugar. Or palm oil – what’s up with that? It’s so unhealthy, but it’s in every food that comes in a box!
The judgments are just as subtle and just as sneaky. All you can do is your best. When you keep doing your best – despite your inevitable failures – you will persist and win in the end.
I like to say ‘humans are bound to fail (because we are imperfect and we will make mistakes every day), and when you are persistent, you can’t fail’ (Me and my paradoxes… but, it’s true.)
So, try to stop in your tracks every time you are ‘helping’ yourself see how you need to improve, every time you point out that you were wrong, mistaken, stupid….
Specifically, becoming aware you made a mistake isn’t an issue, it is a point of clarity. Tinting this clarity with any ‘not good enough’, should have done better, disappointed in yourself – and certainly judging others… that’s a lack of clarity.
As best you can, walk away from a lack of clarity as if a robber with a gun just walked in the room. You’ll notice that, to contrast this, clarity that doesn’t bother you so that you keep going and feel that you’ve refined a process or gotten more on target – that’s fine. You won’t bother to think about it for more that a moment and then you’ll keep going.
2 Ultimate Universal Secret: Be Good to You
The other thing you can do is talk to yourself. Sure, this is a sign of a crazy person, but only one that is engaged in negative-talk. Be nice to you. Talk to yourself about your agreements. Ask yourself how you’d like to change the agreements that you find when you relate with Blue or when you stop to realize that you keep encountering the same patterns in relationship, at work or in life. (Because the same agreements keep these problems coming back – the boomerang.)
Let’s say you realize that you don’t appreciate your intelligence and feel that people will notice you for your looks (or something else) only. As yourself why you feel that way and what it would be like to have people appreciate you for what you want people to notice about you. In this way you can begin to stretch your limiting beliefs. How? Where the belief was limiting you into thinking you wouldn’t be appreciated for your intelligence, by going there in your imagination and your self-talk, you’ll start to break this limitation.
Simply put, be nice to you as if you were a magic genie who could grant your wishes, if you were on the genie’s good side.
Give yourself permission to appreciate you, to honor new agreements. Flow the parts of you that don’t feel you can uphold a new agreement. Talk to yourself and convince yourself about your new agreement (aligntenment).
If only I could sell permission in glass bottles, I’d be richer than Pitt Bull! It amazes me how you (and I – hopefully I’ve come a long way tho) act as if (deep down) someone has kidnapped permission in our lives. Permission to forgive ourselves, to deserve more, to realize that we are good people, to get ahead, to receive love (or money) – to be happy. If you figure out how to bottle permission, give me a call. I’m good at branding – we’ll make trillions!
Ok, time to wrap it up.
Becoming aware of your agreements and choosing to change them is huge.
Intending to make new agreements with yourself (and then with others) is huge.
Working this out isn’t easy, but keep at it and you can’t fail, even as you keep screwing up. Have compassion with yourself though, because you are human. Compassion is an amazing energy – bring that in as you intend to change your agreements and then, we can all agree, you’ll be happier and tapping into a lot more joy (and great relationships.)
Part 1 of Blue, click here